I like television – a lot. I watch smart, informative shows like “Nova”, “Bill Moyers Journal” and “Masterpiece”. (By which I might mean “The “Bachelorette”, “Wife Swap” and “Family Guy”.) I like nothing better after a hard day at the not-a-greenhouse than to just mindlessly veg challenge my mind and expand my outlook in front of the television. Imagine my horror, then, upon discovering that a vicious plot, probably Canadian, has rendered my favorite shows unwatchable.
There is a frenzied ant race occurring on every single channel of my television. It is my worst nightmare. (Except for that recurring one where Pennywise the Dancing Clown keeps filling my ears with gobs of scrambled eggs.) And it would have been different if there had been some sort of warning, perhaps from the government, of the antification of Stewie Griffin Bill Moyers, but nooooooo. It just came out of the blue, people.
What’s that, Mr. Moose? You say there WERE government warnings about this? Bajillions of them over the course of a year or more? Oh. Alrighty then. And that I’d currently have ant-free television if only I’d agreed to purchase that expensive antennae along with those converter boxes? Hmmm…interesting. And that we could solve this dilemma completely by just getting cable TV? Well, fuck you, Mr. Moose!! Who died and made YOU moosident?
Maybe this whole Canadians-scrambled/stole-my-television-signal will turn out to be a GOOD thing in the end. It should free up loads of time for me, so that I can pursue other passions. Hey! Maybe I can even start running again, so that I can actually write about – call me crazy, here – running on this here running blog!
But when Jillian (who is Canadian, by the way, and likely the evil mastermind behind this whole antification event) discovers true love in the most remarkable and shocking rose ceremony ever, will someone out there please just let me know? Thanks.
Yearly mileage: 663
8 comments
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June 13, 2009 at 8:32 am
Keith
Those wily Canadians. Gotta watch them. Never know what they might be up to. People that can live where it snows that much are, you know, just *different*. Weird. It’s all a plot, and I guess you’re on to us. You see, most of us have known for decades that television turns your brain into tapioca pudding. We figure if Jerry Springer and various reality shows can still be watched, then it doesn’t matter what gets displayed. Why go to the trouble of generating actual content, vacuous as it might be? Just send random static and see if people watch that too. Then, THE NEXT STEP! Oops, said too much already. Gotta go.
June 13, 2009 at 6:33 pm
deloosemoose
Keith: Aha!! I suspected you were from Canadia, even before you used fancy schmancy words like “vacuous” and “tapioca”.
I’ll forgive you this unfortunate accident of birth, though, if you’ll just promise to practice the CORRECT pronunciation of “about” ten times daily ’til you can say it like a Great American Hero. Hint: It should NOT rhyme with “shoot”.
June 13, 2009 at 2:38 pm
gqh
Poor Moose!
I think who gets to be Moosident is determined by skinbag capacity, not height. Yes, as a 6′4″ thin man, I too think height alone should determine the winner; why reward fatties? But alas, I’m not Chief JustMoose of the Supreme CourMooset, so I don’t get to make these decisions in a tight
erectionelection. (Sorry. Almost implied anal, there. By accident, of course.)So since Mr. Moose has the more capacious skinbag, he’s Moosident. You may not LIKE that, but there it is.
You could always challenge his including the volume of his wide ‘n’ girthy pee-Moose in the skinbag measurement since girl-Mooses don’t HAVE pee-Mooses and so it’s sexist and unfair to include them.
But the Supreme JustMoose is also a dude moose so you’d lose.
So the fatties win again.
Just be glad he doesn’t issue an Executive Order for Anal. (Shhh! He may not know he has that power!)
June 13, 2009 at 6:38 pm
deloosemoose
Glaven: Wouldn’t “The Capacious Skinbags” make the most excellent punk rock band name EVER??
June 15, 2009 at 9:22 am
weenie
stop being silly… just get cable!!! Mr. Moose says he wouldn’t watch it, but when you get it and the history channel is available to him i’m sure he’ll be watching!
:@)
June 15, 2009 at 5:00 pm
deloosemoose
Weenie: You’re right – Mr. Moose probably WOULD watch it. But then my kitchen would NEVER get remodeled. That indolent history-loving bastard!!!
June 15, 2009 at 9:51 am
Tammy
I am so sorry about your lack of TV. My husband and I did have all the proper paraphenalia (this makes what the gov’t made us do sound illicit doesn’t it?) and yet we now are down to Fox only!!!
On a positive note currently Fox has the most important educational material such as: The Simpsons, House, American Idol which we can learn: Family dynamics, how to self diagnose health issues and critical skillsets we did not learn in school.
My husband is getting ready to Maguver our TV/Antenna/HD box to see if we can re-acquire CBS, ABC and WB but the aforementioned husband has mentioned in passing that TV shows (including some from CABLE!!) might be available on the internet.
There is still a missing piece of wall and burn marks where he did his last “home improvement/product re-aquisition” so we might stick with the internet option.
June 15, 2009 at 5:08 pm
deloosemoose
Tammy: Welcome, Lucky Reader #13!! I have no prizes to offer, just my own lame ass thanks for wasting part of your day to read and comment.
I’m jealous of your Fox availability. We have NOTHING, even though we bought those shit ass converter boxes and an indoor antennae. Apparently we need an OUTDOOR antennae, and that’s where Mr. Moose draws the line. If I had any kind of sense/skill/ability to ascend a ladder at all I’d be UP on that roof.