I’m All Messed Up on Acid

So if the Red Cross were to collect my blood today (which I’d never allow, BTW, as my cowardice is surpassed only by my meanspirited-ness) they’d not get a pint or two of iron-rich A-positive, but gallons and gallons of lactic acid.  While it may appear that my skin is covering and containing muscles, bone and blood it is actually acting as an enormous Ziploc bag of the aforementioned acid. One puncture in the bag, people, and I could spray downtown Frostburgg with enough lactic acid to completely tucker out the entire populace. I am TIIIIRED.  And those bastards at FIRST care nothing of my stellar performance yesterday, and instead believe that I should run 20 miles at my marathon pace plus sixty seconds.  Surely they jest. 

I persevered, though, and somehow managed to pound it out.  (Again, SOLO, as J. and M. STILL haven’t come to their senses and abandoned their families and careers to come out and play with me.  Traitorous she-devils.)

It was a fairly action-packed run.  A colleague (Which is far different from a “college”, BTW.) drove by and was kind enough to not heckle me whilst he effortlessly drove his vehicle up a hill that nearly proved the death of me.  I met a new resident of Frostburgg, who originally hails from the Liberal Little City Chock Full of Prestigious Universities and Relocated Hippies.  I had a scary dog incident whereby a doberman who stands taller than my entire house thought it’d be fun to make me whimper.  Probably that Dakota dog who lives up the road told him about me. In between my four loops I stopped at the ol’ moose lodge to pee, eat my weight in Strawberry Newtons, and refill the water bottle.  I also used this downtime to rid my soles of myriad squashed snails and slugs.  ‘Cause due to my comically oversized shoes and the sheer volume of snails on the roads today, I must have killed billions.  And they all had those wussy shells, so instead of making that satisfying “Pop!” produced by bubble wrap, they just kind of anticlimactically fizzled to their deaths. Don’t hate me, snailophiles, but my clown shoes are probably responsible for the extinction of entire species. Whatever.

According to Vic, I burned 2,553 calories today.  I will therefore spend the remainder of the day holding down the couch while ingesting large volumes of high calorie foods. Not escargot, though – I hear that’s in short supply these days.