So despite all claims to the contrary, and despite ALL common sense, I am now actively looking forward to my next marathon. I’ve decided that I want something different from the Hal Higdon training schedule that I’ve used in the past. FIRSTcomes highly recommended by some, and so I checked out their site today.  (Schweet!!  Drum roll, please…I have just this very second created an actual  link on the interwebs!  Look at that baby – it’s blue and underlined and I believe it might actually work!! Soon my tech skills will rival those of Bill Gates.  I will call myself Gil Bates, and I will use my skills for some really evil shit – I’m not sure what, exactly, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

Anyway, back to my new training schedule.  OMG…Screw whatever that FIRST acronym really stands for because Fucked up, Incapacitated Runners – Seriously Tired is all that comes to mind.    I mean it sincerely when I say that I immediately took to my bed upon reading this schedule.  I’m sure they mean well and all, but daaaamn.  Based on my best 5K time of 23:15 (try to contain your jealousy now, Paula Radcliffe) these  FIRST madmen calculate that my “easy” pace is 8:48/mile.  HA!!!!  What’s easy about that, I ask you?  Sometimes it takes me eight minutes and 48 seconds  just to complete simple tasks like putting on my left sock or clearing my lashes of those crunchy eye booger things.  I certainly can’t be expected to run an entire MILE in that limited time!  And get this -  my short tempo pace should be a 7:12/mile.  Again, I must reiterate: HA!!! ‘Cause I’ve done a 7:12 mile exactly NEVER in my life. This insane schedule also calls for five twenty-milers, the last of which is at a pace just 15 sec./mi. slower than my predicted marathon pace.  I’m exhausted already. Freakishly Insane, Really Sadistic Torturers is who they are.  It’s apparent that I will have to use my well honed techie skills to peruse the interwebs for a schedule more suitable to my abilities.